Many people desire to be in a long-term relationship but the fact is more than 50% of all marriages still end in divorce. Many times the relationship goes pretty well in one direction, but then it either runs out of steam or there is much contention and stress. It becomes like a miller’s grinding wheel, grinding away. Sometimes, things can derail abruptly when one of the partners has an affair. In this situation, couples usually seek assistance as a last resort before the break up or divorce.
Relationships are sometimes seen as the joining of opposites. In our primary relationships, we “project” onto the other what is “unconscious” in ourselves. We “project” our shadow (meaning our unknown part of ourselves) onto the other person. It is unconscious because in our development as a child, these emotions were too difficult to express (maybe due to trauma or abuse), so we buried them in our unconscious. It is still part of us, but we cannot yet see it directly. Only if we become aware that we are projecting our shadow out onto the other, can we see it. This is part of the challenging but rewarding work.
In many relationships and marriages, once the “romantic stage” ends, the projections begin. We project our shadows onto our partners instead of owning them ourselves. We are usually unaware we are doing this. We project our unconscious complexes and patterns that were developed in childhood in an attempt to be whole. But this does not work and actually backfires. We scapegoat and blame others for things and issues we cannot see in ourselves.
Transformation Relationship Therapy (“TRT”) is about both the individual and the couple growing and transforming. With new growth and transformation, old patterns that no longer work must be acknowledged and cast aside. TRT does not pathologize patterns in terms of disorders, but in terms of self-expression.
This work is about discovering the major patterns in your life; those that serve you and those that do not; those that are hidden and those that are apparent. Once we discover those patterns of the individual and those of the couple, then we work with them. TRT is about building bridges.
This TRT work consists of working the following stages of relationship: -Romantic love -Power struggles -Decisions to stay or go -If stay, then doing the work -If do the work, then grow, increase self expression and individuate
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” -Mary Oliver